Whilst this film is great to begin with, I couldn't help wondering - "What if it was MORE than great?" and in my mind the only way to do that is obvious.
Re-shoot the film, exchanging the old cast members with characters exclusively from the world of Winnie the Pooh.
Now, I know what you're thinking...they'd never be able to to force Piglet to the negotation table as his wage demands are extortionate but, please, hear me out!
So, let's take the principal characters...
Detective Lt. William Somerset (Morgan Freeman)
Somerset is a seasoned veteran, in fact, not only does he conform to that particular stereotype, he is also about a day away from retirement ensuring he conforms to at least two cop drama stereotypes. He's seen it all and in the process of doing all of that seeing, he has become bitterly bitter and probably a tad bit depressed to boot. He never had kids, because the world is too terrible a place to birth a child into (though maybe if he did his job a little better...I'm just saying!)
Who better to play this wise old bird than the lore keeper and resident spelling bee champion of the Hundred Acre Wood - Owl.
Owl would make an excellent Somerset. Wisened by years of toil and close to the point of resting his claws in his treetop penthouse, his own circumstances practically parallel those of Somerset. Plus, his reading voice is also top notch, something Christopher Robin often points out. If anyone in the woods could step into Morgan Freeman's shoes, it's Owl. Except, well the shoes wouldn't fit would they as he has bird claws...but, it's a metaphor so it works regardless.
Key Moments: Picture Owl trying calling Mills "Stupid" or researching the seven deadly sins in the library. You know it works.
Detective David Mills (Bradley Pitts)
Mills is a loose cannon, a renegade. A livewire maverick at the best of times, a whiny irrational pot of rage at the worst. However, he is somewhat of a badass. A gun looks good in his hands and he looks like he knows how to use the damn thing. Mills wants to get the job done and
he wants to prove to others that he has what it takes to do it. He wants to make a difference, to make the city a little bit brighter. He also has Gwyneth Paltrow as a wife in this, which is probably the only thing keeping him from enraging for most of the film...though, it all ends in tears - WHAT'S IN THE BOX?! etc.
So who could play Mills? Who is the only person in the entire hundred acres of woodland that has the energy and intensity required for this role? Simple answer, really. Tigger.
Tigger is easily the most loose of the Wood's cannons, he's also the only member of the group with any real badass qualities. And no, before you say it, Eeyore does not qualify on the basis that he IS an ass. No loopholes please.
Key Moment: Just imagine Tigger saying "What's in the box?!" and you will know I am right.
John Doe (Kevin Spacey)
John Doe is a psychopathic serial killer, who doubles as a member of the press. What more could I possibly add to "psycopathic serial killer"? Well...for a start, he removes the skin on his fingertips to ensure he leaves no fingerprints anywhere, including his own home. He has a neon cross
above his bed and he kills people in increasingly gruesome ways. He's quiet, but opinionated and remarkably well read. He's also a man with a plan, albeit a disgustingly peverse plan.
Who could possibly play him, I wonder? Piglet? No...too small, it just wouldn't work on a physical level, given he needs to hold a gun to people's heads at certain points in the film...No, it can only be one person.
Winni
e the Pooh himself.
Now hear me out! I know Winnie isn't accustomed to the villanous role but...I think he'd work great as John Doe with his affable voice, very calming. He could play the deadpan religious nut perfectly. He's quiet enough for you to wonder...what DOES he get up to in his spare time...
Key Moment: The part where John Doe confronts the men hunting him, gaining their attention by yelling "DETECTIIIIIIIIIIVE!"
Come on guys! I challenge you to go and watch Seven and think of the scene playing out with Winnie, Tigger and Owl delivering the lines. You won't regret it and if you do, then your feelings are lying to you and you should probably go to the doctor and get it seen to. GOOD DAY!
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